I am 43 and left my ex husband 4 years ago. I met a guy (now my live in boyfriend) 14 months ago at work. He was the cleaner and didn’t tell me his father was my boss at work til our 5th date. I was unsure at that stage to continue dating him because mixing business and pleasure together usually doesn’t work.
He had not told me about his financial difficulties until he convinced me to move out and sell the family home which I did and I bought a cheaper house for me and my 3 children to move into. My boyfriend is 9 years young than myself 33. I moved in here Nov 08 and he moved in Dec 08. It was in March he told me about being in $60k debt and his parents were tired of helping him and didn’t trust him. I met several time with his parents to come to some arrangement. His parents did help him but I also did by adding $40k to my mortgage and he agreed to pay me back $600/wk. Then in July, I found by a deleted email he didn’t empty that he had a 9 yo daughter he’d been hiding from me, he owed another $8,000 maintenance, I added this to my mortgage and made him sign an agreement for the total to pay me back witnessed by my friend. His excuse was each time he couldn’t tell me because he was scared to lose me. He lives with me and doesn’t contribute for food, rent, gas, electricity, water, nothing because he is paying me the $600/wk for the loan. Which I did know and this isn’t the problem.
I’ve asked him for nothing except to stop all the lies and going behind my back with secrets and he swears there is nothing else. I kind of believe him. His parents are wonderful people and they understand what I’ve been through with him.
I found out that I was pregnant and today, I am near 13 weeks, I asked him if we could get married before the baby is born and he said ‘No, I’ll marry you after the baby is born when I can afford it’ I said to him, ‘If its because of the expense of an engagement ring, I don’t expect one, you can get me one further down the track when you can afford it but it means alot to me to have my last child in wedlock and not out of wedlock being a catholic and I want to have it christened’ He didn’t care and said there was no way he’d marry me without an engagement ring, I asked him if this was an excuse to get out of marrying me and he said no, he just wanted to do it right, I said to do it right would be to get married and not have an illegitament child. He disagreed.
Am I being fooled by this man? Is this just another lie after the many before hand, is this just his way to get out of committing to me. If I have to do this alone I will. I’m so lost and confused and really need some wise answers or some wise questions I should ask him to find out where his mind is at. Thank you.
Stumble Upon
Del.icio.us
Buzz
I read this Twice to be sure. I understand what your saying. If he really loved you it wouldnt be a question and he wouldnt keep things from you. He sounds like a liar. He isnt doing whats good for you and your child but whats good for him. Which is having a nice place to stay and food with no paying other then his loan. and if he can’t contribute more he 600 a month thats sad. he should be helping out. he has to man up and take care of his responsibilities. i am not saying force him to marry him as i personally think your better off without him. sometimes it takes someone who doesnt know you at all to hear the situation to give you a clear view.
tl;dr
something tells me you should talk to someone you trust, rather than the internet at large. then again, maybe you trust the internet at large? which would be a mistake…
This is not a man. He is a sponge, and you are enabling him. What will happen when you need to stop working for a while to have the baby? Who will support you and your other children. He sure as heck won’t. Honey, you need to wake up, and get rid of this man. It sounds like you’re having this child no matter what, so good luck to you with that, but I would be surprised if he paid any maintenance to you for it.
Religion is important, sure, but having a child in wedlock is nowhere near important as having a supportive, financially stable, honest partner who will provide for you and his child. This is not the man who will give you that.
So he’s broke and in debt, he’s a liar, and he’s living with you? You’re living out of wedlock with a man who is not your husband — that doesn’t sound like a great situation for your three kids.
He’s full of BS about the ring. It’s not the ring. His life is filled with chaos.
You have these choices:
Have the baby and give it up for adoption — not a great message to give to your three kids.
Have the baby and keep it — but I wouldn’t plan on keeping this guy, he sounds like a loser and a user.
Have an abortion — I doubt you would do that if you’re Catholic, but it’s not a bad choice.
I think you’re going to have to do this alone. Next time, listen to your gut; you should have caught on that this guy was a loser and a liar much earlier than you did. Also, renew your faith — a Catholic church would help you a lot. I don’t think you would have moved in with this guy if you were going to church enough.
Ask your priest to help you.
Oh, and I bet he’s never going to pay back the money he owes you. Be prepared to go after his parents for it — or ask your boss/his father for a raise at work and some financial help for their upcoming grandchild. I also think you should see a lawyer — you’re risking your job if you kick out the boss’ son.
He’s repeatedly lied to you, but you asked him if you could get married? Honey, you don’t need to marry somebody that will lie to you like that. The marriage seems like it would probably be as rocky as the relationship, and that is not a good thing for a child. I’m sure it’s a scary time for you, but try not to let your emotions get the best of the situation. Think things through one at a time. Raising a kid on your own is probably a frightening thought, tackle that one first. Child support may be a problem, but it’s important you get a hold on that situation right off the bat. Look to family and friends for support, help, encouragement, wisdom. Next, tackle your relationship with this guy. Do you love him? Could you trust him? It sounds like no, but only you know for sure. Always prepare for the worst, and for yourself and your baby, don’t depend on this guy too much… especially for financial support. You will probably end up doing the court thing just to get him to pay. That baby is to be the most important thing in your life, make your decisions that you believe will be best for that child, and you’ll do just fine.
wouldnt be scared about having a child out of wedlock, my parnter and I got engaged this at the begining of this year and I am also 13 weeks PG, we had planned on getting married at the end of next year, im definatley not going to rush it before we have the baby, mainly coz i dont want the hassel of organising a weddinh while im PG. However, we have been together 3 years and he does not lie to me about anything, especially debt or children, i do think u are being fooled and conned by this guy and i think even if u persit with the matter you will not get a truthful answer from him. I dont know u or the guy, but that is the impression i get from ur story.
the worst thing you can do is obligate a man to marry you (for any reason). you will make your baby’s life and your miserable. Not only his life will be miserable. If he doesn’;t want to marry you; then have dignity and don’t beg him. Raise that baby alone. It is better for one person to love a kid rather than 2 people fighting all the time around that innocent child.
your in a hard possition at the moment
by the sounds of it to me this baby was not planned else you would be married now already. yes he has lied to you in the past and we all know what men are like they think they are doing the right thing but most the time they are not. as for the getting married as much as he should respect your wishes , you must do the same in return. if he wants to get married properly and not rushed in to marriage. the best thing to do in this situation i think is to talk about it and compramise so you are both happy.
as for is he lieing to get out of comitment he may well be doing that, but only you know him, so only you can answer that in your own mind. just ask him how he feels about things in a calm atmospere and tell him your thoughts and feelings
hun,he’s using you in so many ways. he’s lieing to you. just kick him out and make him continue to pay you back,hes’s not worth it and your child will be better off raised by just you,if he/she sees the way his/her father treats you he/she may have some moral issues later in life (such as believing they can treat people that way or can allow themselves to be treated this way) think to yourself,how would you like it if your baby was with a man/woman that was treating him/her this way? you wouldnt approve,would you?