I’m getting married in less than 3 months. I’m 20, and my fiance is 21, so I feel old enough to make decisions on my own. My mother wanted me to ask this question to hear some honest feedback, so here it goes.
I would like to share my wedding day with everyone I consider a friend. I want to invite one of my friends that I hardly ever talk to, we will call her “Sarah.” Sarah, who is my friend of many years, happens to be my dad’s ex-wife. Her and I always got along pretty well and she was always a real nice person to me. Her and my dad split because of reasons I will not go into. My parents both feel that they would feel betrayed if I invited Sarah to my wedding, but I would feel really bad, like a terrible person if I didn’t. I don’t want to start a fight with anyone or anything, but I want to have a beautiful day shared with all my friends, a day about my fiance and I. Not a day about who has a grudge or not. What should I do? Should I or should I not invite her? Thank you.
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Hi. First of all….congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
This is a hard question to answer. Yes, you are old enough to make your own decisions….no one is questioning that. I have to be honest and say that I WOULD NOT invite Sarah.
Yes, this is “your day” and Sarah is a friend, as you say, but if this will cause stress for your father and mother, is it really worth it??? This isn’t like an old high school friend that your parents may not like….this is an “ex” so the hurts and grudges go deeper than just “not liking” her.
What I would do would be to share things with Sarah as best you can. Go out to lunch and if she asks you about your plans, tell her and maybe ask her opinion on things….i.e., dress colors, etc. — that way, she will feel a little involved. I am sure she is a mature adult and will understand why she can’t be invited.
After the wedding, make another lunch or dinner date with her to share your pictures. If she is a true friend, she will understand.
Best of luck to you in your decision. I hope you have a beautiful wedding day!
You should not invite her and hurt your parents feelings or cause any future problems.
You wrote that you hardly talk to “Sarah” anymore so I don’t get it, why would you even invite her??!! Wake up kiddo, we are talking your parents who brought you into this world!!
Don’t invite her…that wouldnt be fair to your parents.
Honestly I would invite Sarah because she has been your friend for many years and even though its your dad’s ex-wife, have her come with a guest so that way she wont feel so uncomfortable going alone. And I’m sure your dad is over her and everyone is your family should just get along with her and not keep a grudge I mean c’mon this isnt 7th grade anymore its just a day your trying to plan with the person you want to share the rest of your life with…you dont want to make any regrets!-xoxo destiny
It all comes down to how much having her at your wedding means to you. You know that her presence will make your parents feel uncomfortable. Is she worth the discomfort that it will cause? If not, don’t invite her. However if she’s really important to you then invite her.
Yes, you are old enough to make your own decision on this question. You are also old enough to realize that inviting a person who causes your family pain to your wedding would be hurtful and show a lack of compassion for your parents feelings. By your own admission you rarely speak to Sarah, and since she and your father had a painful split I doubt that she would expect to be invite to your wedding.
I can understand your mother suggesting you post this to get some honest feedback, but in this case, you really couldn’t give enough information to get opinions that are truly unbiased.
I am a divorced mother of two, with an ex who has a wife who is horrible to me (publicly and privately), and even if they divorce (which is looking more and more likely), I have accepted the fact that she will likely always be in my kids’ lives. Ergo, she will be invited to the wedding(s). Now, if she isn’t the wife-of-the-father-of-the-bride (which is your situation), then, she will attend as a friend, sit on the bride’s side, perhaps with a date or member of her own family. I honestly have to say that this should suit your parents.
Now if she’s likely to make a scene (and it doesn’t sound like that, or why would you have been so close with her?), then I would not invite her. But children of divorce have it tough enough, quite frankly (this is for your mom and dad), what with having to change their formative bonds with parental figures at their own parents’ whims. It’s really quite a lot to ask to ask your children to be “done” with former spouses precisely when you are. I think as long as the former spouse is a decent person, they should continue to be welcome in your child’s social circle (and this includes weddings). And dad shouldn’t grouse. Remember who introduced her to you. As for your mom? Well, I feel a little more for her, but I honestly think she should just deal with it too. It is LUDICROUS for them to consider using a word like “betrayal” toward you, when Sarah was a legitimate family member at one time, and has been a good friend since.
However, if she publicly humiliated either of your parents during or immediately after the marriage (this is where the circumstances of the breakup might come in… any but the most discreet affair would probably fall into this category), then you really might want to reconsider. To include her then wouldn’t be a betrayal by you, but would be insensitive.
well, i think your folks should learn to put their feelings aside but, if what happened between your dad and sarah was really bad, i wouldn’t invite her. there’s no point in upsetting your family and having it ultimately upset you. i’m sure sarah will understand your dilema if you talk to her.
don’t invite her . you hardly even talk to her it isn’t like the two of you are close
Due the fact that marriage is a family thing, and your dad and his now wife don’t think it would be a good idea. You should not invite her. If she is a friend, a true friend, she should understand why.
I would suggest you talk to her about the situation. Ask her if given the fact that you hardly ever talk, and the way your family feels about it, how would she feel about not coming, but knowing that you had intended to invite her. She may tell you that she does not want to go, given the circumstances, and she should be understanding of your dilema of wanting ALL the important people in your life there.
If you really want to invite her, and she says she intends to come, you can also talk to your family and explain to them that this is your special day, that her being there is important to you, and if they truely love you, they will be understanding and accepting of your decision and put up for one day. This day is not about them, but you and they should want whatever you want to make it a happy day.
At least you are not doing what I am and inviting a ex-husband to the wedding. How’s that for a twist!!!
I feel a little opposite of what the others are saying. This is your day, and you should have at your wedding who ever you would like to have there. It may hurt someones feelings if you invite her, but they dont have to speak to her, or be near her. If you DONT invite her you will prob hurt her feelings, if you DO invite her you will hurt your parents feelings.. Its a dammed if you, dammed if you dont situation. If you dont invite her then try and explain to her why she wasnt invited without hurting her feelings (which will prob be hard to do, unless shes a understanding person). This is the one day that YOU have that is YOURS.. and what you do or dont do you will remember forever. Not everyone gets along with everyone but that dosnt mean that cant be at your wedding to share your day with you. Mabe her and your parents can stay away from each other for the duration of the wedding and reception out of respect of you and your new husband so there wont be any unwanted discussion or arguments or fights.
If your parents really loved you, they would want you to be happy. It’s a day about you, not them. They may have to put up with some uncomfortabilities for a day, but you may spend the rest of your life regretting that you didn’t invite her.
DON’T invite her. See her after for lunch and to share pics/stories. It just polite for your parents…..
In my opinion your parents should be able to bear with the situation for a few hours of one day. How selfish.
What kind of example are they being? In this world everybody has to learn to deal with people they may not like.
I would invite Sarah, your parents should want you to be happy.
I wouldn’t invite her unless you are super super close and as you stated you are not so I wouldn’t invite her. Your family should always come first and “Sarah” should understand this.
I don’t think you should invite her. Have you considered that being invited is putting HER in an awkward position too?
I think if Sarah is truly your friend, she will understand the reasons you cannot invite her. Talk to her and tell her you wish you could invite her, but you think it will cause a lot of family problems if you did. I think she will understand.
good luck!
for what it’s worth here’s my opinion. She knows how your dad would feel about seeing her there right? But you want her there……… sooooooo…… could you talk to her about the consternation it’s causing in your family but also let her know that you’d like to share the day with her also so maybe, just maybe, she could go to the wedding itself and sit where your dad wouldn’t see her and for her not to go to the reception.
It is your wedding, not your parents’. They need to suck it up and be at least polite to the other guests at the wedding. You should invite whoever you feel close to and if your parents don’t like it, that’s their own problem. At their age they should be mature enough to accept that you may have relationships with people they don’t care for.
Your guest list is yours.
Your parents should be mature enough to recognize that this day is not about them, but about you and your beloved.
One of the most beautiful things about a wedding is that it your opportunity to bring the people that are important to you – family AND friends – together to witness your union to another person.
Use your best judgement.
Personally, I would invite her and explain the difficulty your parents are having, to help avoid any awkwardness afterwards.
Don’t invite her. The day is NOT just about you and your spouse. It is about your parents as well. I’m sure they have been waiting their entire life for their daughter’s wedding day. Why would you want to ruin it for them?
Ok let start with why you want to invite Sarah. Sounds to me like as if you respect her. That’s ok and is up to you. It’s your feelings.
As for your parents thinking it would make them uncomfortable to have her there, they are responsible for their own feelings. Talk to them, tell them that you appreciate how Sarah has been a friend to you and you were raised to respond in kind. Be a role model for them.
if your parents would be hurt by this, i wouldn’t invite her. you could have 1 person feel bad, the friend, or 2 people feel bad, parents. you can’t make everyone happy, so decide whose feelings are most important to you. good luck!
Your wedding. You should invite who you want, and everyone else needs to respect you enough to accept it.
I think your decision of whether to invite Sarah should come down to how important she is in your life, not parental grudges. I would definitely be for inviting her, except you write that you hardly ever talk to her. If she’s so important in your life, how come you guys hardly ever talk? If you and she have had a close relationship, and still do, I would invite her. Your wedding is about the people who are close to you. If any of those people don’t like each other, they’ll have to keep their grudges at bay for the day, and be there for YOU.
I’m close with my Aunt “Pearl” who divorced my uncle back in the 70s. I’m inviting Aunt Pearl to my wedding, along with my uncle and his wife. They’re all adults and can handle being at the same event. In fact, all 3 would have been at my cousin’s wedding last fall, had my uncle not been too sick to travel.
Don’t invite her to the wedding ceremony. If she is your friend, she will understand your explanation. Invite her over to spend time with you and your new husband, in private time with her. This way, she can get “two on one” personal kind of attention. Invite her over for lunch or dinner or something. She is divorced, so she already knows how bitter and problematic a divorce can be.
Besides, the wedding ceremony is only a symbolic kind of thing. So, what’s the big deal???!!! It will be over before you know it, yet, hopefully your marriage will last for the rest of your life, unless you end up in the same situation as your father and his ex wife. So then, you have plenty of time and opportunity to enjoy the company of someone with whom you admittedly “hardly ever talk to”.
Of course, you certainly ARE old enough to make your own decisions. However, by the same token, you are also old enough to live with and deal with the consequences of your own decisions. So, hopefully it is a WISE decision. Otherwise, don’t come crying to Mommy if you made a lousy decision and got a crappy consequence, as a result. This advice applies not only to this matter, but to all matters for the rest of your life. Hope everything works out well for you and your husband to be.
Hi enigma,
I would then suggest invite her, because it is going to be your most special day in your life, you just need to explain to your mom that you want to share this special occasion to all of your love ones and friends i do believe that your mom will fully understand it as long as you tell it to her the nicest way that you can…(“,)
Regards…
if she is your friend then you need to talk to her and explain the situation and appologize and NOT invite her. her presence would make you uncomfortable because you know other people will be uncomfortable. and its not right to do that to yourself. if she is really your friend she will understand. if not then she was never your friend.